I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I’ve been known to remodel train stations in my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I cook Thirty Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play blue grass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I used to repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line in corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. I run the 100m in 9.7 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week and when I do, I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of criminals who’d seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and all my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville toaster. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and chess games in the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery and I have spoken to Elvis. But I have never owned a pair of Dude Shoes ........until now that is And they are the most comfortable shoes I've Ever worn. Appy Daze. Nuff said.