1. Claim that you need to “take action” when a delivery fails and don’t give you an opportunity to speak to a real person on the phone: just a message telling you to contact the sender. 2. Online robot that tells you there’s something wrong (I know that, but what?) and point blank refuses any more assistance. 3. Makes you worry with an address on emails as your name two times followed by your flat number. 4. Claim not to be able to gain access to your flat, even though you’re standing there at the time and see no van, there’s a wedge in the tower block’s entryway and the lifts work. 5. Say they’ll turn up at night after two bogus daytime attempts and add insult to injury by claiming they can’t get access again. So you have to be psychic AND permanently housebound AND mobile enough to go seven stories down to meet him with a ten minute warning AND have your own smartphone AND be constantly looking at your emails. 6. Miss a day - violating the sender’s contract - then claim to turn up the next day: dropping your package off with an individual named E Farquhar who isn’t a concierge (your alternative drop-off) and doesn’t even live at your flats. 7. Drivers are nasty s***s who knew fine well they were taking on a piece work contract but could have used their driving licences for anything. When they do feel like delivering something (something light), they leave it in an unsafe place like a corridor. 8. Put you out with wasted time, worry, the pain of having to explore consumer rights channels and a general feeling of misanthropy and mistrust of humanity. 9. Should be embarrassed and humiliated in a sweeping, nationwide exposure campaign. Then we should collectively sue them out of existence. Then we should trap all their suits in their headquarters, lock all the doors and windows, set fire to it and watch them die a slow, horrible, agonising death whilst laughing heartily and eating popcorn. Then we should round up all their drivers and execute them in front of their families. And laugh heartily as they cry. 10. Really cannot say enough bad things about them.